Thursday, March 29, 2012
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Wake up… back has locked and I am contorted, fully clothed at the edge of Emily’s bed. She just wakes and wakes and wakes, leaving me pining for my bed. We eat, Caius tries to bite us… he hits his mark on the third attempt (my neck) and I try not cry like a little girl with a grazed knee. Drop Clare at the station, then the kids at nursery – Caius clinging to me and crying big fat tears of misery. I drive off, feeling like the biggest bastard in the world.
Finally at my desk… wrong light… no room… paints and used coffee mugs everywhere. Squeeze an A2 sheet of Ivorex between the chaos and get down to work. Same old, same old, same old songs… pumping through the little amp hooked up to the laptop. Swans and Chemical Brothers… Cranes when the nicotine headache forces me to wince. Emails galore… facebook distracts… I look down and think about putting a lit match to the paper. More emails… smoke outside… trip over toys… panic when I see the time. More emails, more coffee… no matter what I do it is never enough. Every minute of my life is accounted for by responsibility and work.
Pick everyone up, then the dinner chaos begins. Clare dazzles with her cooking and we imbibe too quickly… take Em to bed. I tell her stories as Caius downs the white-stuff.. an hour’s frenzied cleaning and tidying. We split every chore 50/50 without discussion… never have. Half nine and fighting off sleep. Pencils to do which means working on the couch with a wooden board across my lap… nudging into Clare’s side of the couch.
Caius wakes… Clare feeds him… Emily wakes for water… back to work… ten minutes together… Caius wakes… Emily wakes… bad dreams. Sporadic work, intercut with seeing to Emily. We are both exhausted… running late… evil FUCK of a deadline… madness, madness, madness….
Wake up…back has locked and I am…